no diving

the gospel: i was in need of rescue. i didn't realize, nor could i ask for help, and yet christ rescued me. anything else added to this and it's no longer the gospel (it's "another" gospel, which is no good news at all).

something i've been realizing is that i'm really quite a proud person. most of the tension that i experience comes from this pride that grows as quickly and torturously as a kudzu vine within my being. consider these passages:

"If we are more talented than others, are we ultimately responsible for it? No. Are our parents responsible for it? No. God made us and endowed us with the gifts and abilities that we have. Our talents, our possessions, our intelligence, our personalities, our relationships, and everything else with which we have been blessed are from God." (Humility, Mack)

"A truly humble person gladly serves the Lord regardless of the job, whether leading or following, preaching or taking out the trash, receiving thanks or being completely unnoticed by anyone." (Humility, Mack)

More often than not I think God is wasting my talents. Doesn't he know that I'm good with other people? Isn't he aware that I shine brightly in a city setting? Why in the world does he have me hidden in a 2 bedroom house when I could be center stage? Um, for His glory, of course.

It's ugly--I'm proud. All of the difficulties in my heart & manifested in my life recently stem from this lack of humility and refusal to remember what i really deserve as a trespasser. And when I remember back to my growing up years in a charismatic, evangelical church, I can't say that I was much directed toward inner humility, because that requires a girl to stop and look at her condition. And that requires being quiet and still. It doesn't feel good to soberly look at my daily sins of commission/omission. They remind me that I have no righteousness of my own to bring along. Why doesn't it feel good? Because my natural pride is slain. The focus is turned from me to that rescuer. Remember: i was in need of rescue. i didn't realize, nor could i ask for help, and yet christ rescued me.

But I don't remember that gospel focus from my evangelical days. I was too busy jumping around for the Lord to be still and remember my sin. Then I was too busy clapping for the offering and missed contemplating the rescuer. There was just so much emphasis on external doings and so very little upon the scriptures (THE WORDS OF GOD!!) and focusing on what God has done.

My thoughts are disjointed as cartoons were started half-way through. Perhaps another cup of coffee would do me well. I had to post these proud revelations to you because they've sobered me up. Do I really believes that God ordains the days? And if so, how can I not, like King David, respond:

What is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?